I (Sjanie) have had lots of practice with processing and cleanly expressing my anger, particularly premenstrually, when my own needs are stronger and especially when I’m confronted with the persistent demands of my children. I vividly remember one incident a few years back, when I was on day 25 of my cycle…
I was standing in my kitchen at some ungodly hour after a night of broken sleep, my girls shouting at the tops of their voices a never-ending list of urgent and insane demands. I felt my jaws clench, my stomach grip and a rise of red-hot rage throughout my body.
I wanted to shout at them to be quiet, but instead I caught myself, stopped myself in my tracks, felt the strong feelings (muttered a few expletives under my breath!) and I practiced the art of holding the tension.
Holding the tension is a long-lost pre-menstrual skill that supports us to transform our potentially destructive rage into life-affirming, generative power.
Slowly, I felt force of my reaction slow and soften, and I began to experience a little more buffer between myself and my children, which allowed me to shift gear, sense my deep need for silence and space (rightfully so given that my cycle was preparing me to enter expanded states of consciousness at menstruation) and respond to my kids in a more connected way.
I imagine you’ve had many an experience like this, whether you’re a parent dealing with kids, or navigating premenstrual conflict with your partner or a family member, or maybe in a caring role, or at work.
Luckily the wisdom of the cycle is at hand, and particularly, your enhanced capacity in the premenstrual phase to be with your shadow side.
As you begin your descent after ovulation, your shadow side starts to awaken. You know how it feels; the things you’ve neglected in yourself rise to the surface, the needs you’ve sidelined, the feelings you’ve consistently overridden, the historical woundings and intergenerational ancestral patterns that have been relegated to the subconscious. They can all break the surface as they seek conscious recognition and integration.
In the premenstrual cycle phase, we have the power now to hold the tension of all we feel within and allow it to be. It’s as if you’re asked to be present to the ‘little girl’ inside you who may not have had her needs met, or had someone show up for her when she was in distress. Your premenstrual reactivity, rage and self-rejection could just have a direct line back to her.
Instead of reacting to every raging thought and feeling of fury that floods you at this time, you now have the capacity to ‘sit in the stew’ and let yourself be cooked.
This presence and ‘self-holding’ is a direct act of love that transforms these reactive and defensive ways into vital elements of your being and becomes the means for you to soften and expand into your power.
As Alexandra discovered in her journey with menstrual pain and rage, a key to being able to be present with and hold ourselves is to surrender into rest at menstruation.
When menstruation is ignored, not only do you slowly erode your vitality, you lose the ground to your life. It’s as if the anchor that roots you into who you are comes adrift. You can easily feel overwhelmed by the demands and imperatives of others. You can lose your connection to what matters to you and may find yourself living out other people’s agendas. It’s no wonder you feel furious!
Obviously, to rest and do nothing is a massive challenge in a culture that doesn’t value it. Productivity and busyness is king and doing little is synonymous with being lazy, weak and unproductive.
However, your body’s ability to de-stress, and especially to process big feelings like rage and anger depends on downtime, and downtime at menstruation is one of the most effective and efficient ways to soothe and repair your nervous system - and a great place to start is to ask yourself: How could I get just one per cent more menstrual rest?
If you'd like to connect a little deeper with your cycle, with getting more rest or with simply getting have a little more menstrual cycle awareness, you can find your copy of our book Wild Power here.
Our Menstruality Leadership Programme, is also a great next step for you if you want to deepen your understanding of your cyclical nature, or guide and teach others to embrace the power of the cycle.
